The 5 Best Vampires That Don't Sparkle
Amanda, Television 1:37 PM
This may be a bit shocking to you, but I have an announcement to make: Twilight has ruined vampires. Now put your weapons down and let me go on.
I would be fine if those sparkly vampires kept to their own series. But no, they must infect and spoil every supernatural media there currently is out there. The fact that I now cringe whenever I find “vampire” written in a character bio is a real hindrance in discovering new things to get into.
Fortunately, there are at least some characters hanging around in pop culture (like bats, get it? Haha, I'll stop now) that are showing the world just how awesome a creature of the night can be.
5. Mitchell, Being Human
On the surface, one might believe that there are a lot of similarities between Mitchell and Edward Cullen: both reject the vampire way and try to retain their humanities. However, rather than spending the entire series having passionate love affairs with humans and bemoaning “I'm a mooooonster!” every twelve seconds, Mitchell drinks tea with his werewolf and ghost roommates, earns a living by working in a hospital, watches Old Hollywood movies, and tries to convince an angry mob that he is not in fact a child molester (long story). Overall, proof that the Brits always do it better.
Fun Fact: In the Being Human universe, vampires do not necessarily need blood to survive. Without it, Mitchell is just a bit scruffier than his other vampire counterparts. It's okay; we can do with scruffy.
4. Pam Northman, True Blood
I had high hopes for True Blood. I've never been a fan of Bill Compton, but my heart fell a little when Eric, originally a monstrous bastard, fell into the cliched love triangle with Sookie Stackhouse. At the very least, viewers have his lazy assistant Pam. Pam finds nothing appealing about retaining her humanity and revels in her vampiric status. Every week, I look forward to her snappy comebacks and all-around meanness.
Fun Fact: She hates everyone, including you. And we love her all the more for it.
3. Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl
Besides being the bad boy of the Upper East Side, Chuck Bass spends his nights gallivanting around with women and sucking their—
Wait, Chuck Bass isn't a vampire? Is he a werewolf, then?
Selkie?
Robot Unicorn? Really, nothing? Just a normal human guy?
Wow, I've completely missed the point of this show, then. Well, he's still better.
Fun Fact: He drinks (apparently not blood!) out of a flask. Sexy, right?
2. Conrad Achenleck, Hanna is Not a Boy's Name
After a failed attempt to rid his apartment of a vampire that randomly took residence there, Conrad ended up becoming a creature of the night himself. Like many other vampires in pop culture today, Connie does not drink blood from people. Though, instead of it being love for others or an attempt to be less of a monster, it is because, combined with many other neuroses, this vampire is a germophobe (and who knows where your neck's been?). Instead he must dig his fang—yes, he only has one—into blood transfusion packets he gets from a back-alley doctor. Referred to as “the worst vampire in the world” by the author herselfl, Conrad is living (erm, undead) proof that just because someone is a vampire in a series does not mean they are without faults.
Fun Fact: He turns into a bat (referred to as a “Conbat”). And trust me: it's adorable.
1. Count von Count, Sesame Street 
Need I go on? Can you tell me Edward ever taught anyone about numbers? Oh, what, he's too busy sparkling in the sun, yelling at werewolves, and saving skinny brunette women to teach preschoolers about mathematical operations? Well, someone needs to reevaluate their priorities. And then count them.
Written By Amanda
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on 1:37 PM.
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